“Smoke detectors go off for a reason!”

Word to the wise:

Do NOT bring a firefighter to your house and then try to act all surprised when he discovers that you have ZERO smoke detectors on the second floor of your home.

And when he runs down the steps to see if you have smoke detectors on the downstairs floor, do NOT try to stop him by telling him “it’s fine, it’s fine!” because that will not stop him from looking. He will probably be astonished at the fact that you think it’s ok that your house might burn down and you could possibly sleep through it because he has discovered that there are ZERO smoke detectors installed in the entire house.

And when he asks you where all of your smoke detectors are, do NOT tell him “I don’t know” because he’ll go on a rampage through your closets that you meant to clean out last year but haven’t had the time (I keep telling myself I’ll do that one day soon) on a hunt for the smoke detectors that you apparently removed from the ceilings because they’re all now hiding in this closet.

And when he finds the smoke detectors shoved in the top of a closet without even a single battery nearby, do NOT tell him that you took the batteries out because they were annoying – going off every morning when you and your roommate were spraying hairspray and drying clothes and using the hairdryer, because he will tell you: “Smoke detectors go off for a reason!”  He will probably also want to tell you about all the house fires and injuries and deaths he has witnessed that could’ve been avoided with a properly working smoke detector, but he won’t tell you that because he’s still laughing at you over your complete and utter carelessness in regard to the safety of you and your roommates.

And when he offers to come over this weekend and install all the smoke detectors properly in your house so that you don’t die if your house ever caught on fire, do NOT tell him that if they start beeping incessantly at 6:30 in the morning again, batteries may be removed.